College Football Scouting Report
2005 - 2006

European style: football players


Well, friends, it's arrived.....the 2005 - 2006 college football scouting report.  The following scouting report is making the rounds of SOUTHERN AND SOUTHEASTERN college football coaches:


    Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6", 215 lbs. Texas Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Will demand a mini cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.

    Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3", 220 lbs NC State Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School, Dunn, N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.

    Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell: 6' 1", 195 lbs Clemson Running Back. From Tyler, Texas. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted Clemson to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick."

football player

    Woodrow Lee Washington: 6' 8", 310 lbs Georgia Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow and child number 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending but  feels he will be found innocent because: "The dude said something bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20.

    Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 225 lbs North Carolina Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the "N" on North Carolina's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing number 32 jersey since it matches his score on his College Entrance Exam.

    Tyrone "Python" Peoples: 6'10", 228 lbs South Carolina Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges but was also willing to sign with South Carolina. Likes wild women and red Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company.

football players

    Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6'10", 305 lbs Florida State Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester LeRoy Jones until he discovered religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville. Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)

football player

    Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm....this, they hope, will keep the runners alert.


Thanks for sending this text, Nell !