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June 20, 2004  


 

"Laughter is great medicine" and it drives the liberals crazy!


 
 

Page Content  (click on topic to advance)

1. The Break In
2
. Dress Code For Seniors
3. Dreaded Old Age
4. Humor -- even in medicine
5. Rules of Life by Maxine
6. Leroy
7. E-Mail: Did I send you this?
 


 
 

1. The Break In"

I HEARD HIM TRYING TO BREAK IN.

I RAN TO THE CABINET GRABBED MY AUTOMATIC,
SLAMMED THE CLIP IN AND CHAMBERED A ROUND.
I WAS SCARED AS I SNUCK DOWN THE HALL
TO THE BACK DOOR.

I ALSO GRABBED A FLASH LIGHT.

I OPENED THE DOOR
AS QUIETLY AND AS SLOWLY AS I COULD.

I TIP TOED TO THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE
WHERE I HEARD HIM
STILL WORKING ON THE SCREEN.
 

I TURNED THE CORNER
AND PUT THE FLASHLIGHT AND GUN IN HIS FACE.
 

I YELLED, "HANDS UP!"
AS HE TURNED TO FACE ME

v

v

v

v

 

 
 

 
     
 

Yep.
It Was A Cat Burglar.

Thanks to Ginna Spears of Memphis for this one

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2
. Dress Code For Seniors

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:
             
Nose ring and bifocals.

Spiked hair and bald spots.

A pierced tongue and dentures.

Miniskirts and support hose.

Ankle bracelets and corn pads.

Speedos and cellulite.

A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.

Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.

Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.

Bikinis and liver spots.

Short shorts and varicose veins.

In-line skates and a walker.

 
 

 

 

 

But, otherwise,

WE'RE LOOKIN' GOOD BABY









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3. Dreaded Old Age

             Recognize anyone?

---------------------------------------

I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old. How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV?


So last week, when the President suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and who, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself.

I baked a batch of cookies, and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the  phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's day.

When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.

"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semifinals today."

"Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some cookies..."

"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"

I continued, "...and just thought we'd visit a while. But that's okay!  I'll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady."

"Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (at which house?) that she had an appointment for a tint job."

So I went home and called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital ... . working in the gift shop.

 .... I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China.

I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; ...... he was on his honeymoon.

.... I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don't think I'm up to it!

Author Unknown

                        

"LIFE IS NOT A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN A PRETTY AND WELL PRESERVED BODY, BUT RATHER TO SKID IN BROADSIDE, THOROUGHLY USED UP, TOTALLY WORN OUT, AND LOUDLY PROCLAIMING, "WOW! WHAT A RIDE!!!"

Thanks to Marjorie Bridson of Buffalo, NY, for this one

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4. Humor -- even in medicine
     
 
 
     
 

Colonoscopies

 

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made
while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
     before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
     Hokey Pokey...."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

... and THE best one

11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is in
       fact, not up there?"

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5. Rules of Life by Maxine

                  Rules of Life

Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
      It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her...
     --- believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
     You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Thanks to Kay Fulmer for sending this one.

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  6. Leroy!!

 

Sit Down, Leroy!!!"

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yes'am they be all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
 

She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.  I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest--he be Leroy."
 "OK, and who's next?"
 "Well, this one he be Leroy, too."


The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through  the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.  Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
 

"All right...," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes--it make it easier.  When it is time to get them out of the bed and ready for school, I yells, 'Leroy!'

An'  when it's  time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.'  An  'if I need  to stop the kid who's running into the street, I  just yell 'Leroy'  and  all of  them stop.  It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her  forehead and says tentatively,   "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

      

"Ah, that's so easy," said the momma.    "Then I calls them by their last names"

Thanks to Nell Foster for this one

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7. E-Mail -- Did I send this to you already?
I can't remember!
 
 
 

NEW VIRUS


Just got thi
s in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it, so be warned. The virus appears to affect  those of us who were born before 1960!

Symptoms of the Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

______________________________________________________________

 
 

Remember???????????

I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

6 All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7 If all is not lost, where is it?

 8 It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

 9 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

15 It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

 23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!

24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen.. I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something!  I think...

 

 
 

Thanks to Yvonne White for sending this little jewel

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  Have a wonderful week and don't forget to smile.  
     
     
 


 

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