Volume 2
June 2005

Men enter at your own risk!



 



 

Stand by (behind) Your Man

Barbara Walters of 20/20 (ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.  She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.  From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seemed to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eye and without
hesitation, said, "Land mines!"

   ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++    

MORAL OF THE STORY:  
BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN
 

 



 

Today is . . .

International Very Good Looking, D**n Smart Woman's Day.

 Please send this message to someone you think fits this description.


  Please do not send it back to me, as I have already received it from a

Very Good Looking, D**n Smart Woman!


Remember this motto to live by:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming..."What a ride!"

 

Thanks, Ginna !
 

 

 
FISHING OR SEX?


Four married guys go fishing.  After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. 
\I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I'll build her a new deck for the pool.

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy!  I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."
 

They continue to fish when they realized the fourth guy has not said a word.  So they asked him. 
 
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.  What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 AM.  When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said,
 
V


V


V


V


V


V
 
 
V
 
 
V
 
 
V
 
 
 
"Wear a sweater."

 


In the beginning. . .

God Saw you hungry & created McDonalds, Wendy's, and Dairy Queen.



He saw you thirsty & created Coke,

Juice, Coffee and Water.
                 

GOD saw you in the dark & created Light.

          


GOD saw you without a

Good looking,
adorable,
FRIEND.........
     

        s
o He created ME
     
                      
     
     
     Smile     
 






 

 


 

TOP 10 INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:

 
10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
 
9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." 
 
8)The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
 
7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
 
6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day."
 
5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
 
4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges," is not a typographical error.
 
3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
 
2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
 
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN: 

 1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

 

 


A Woman's Poem


            

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
 

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
 

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...

Like his Mother used to do.

         Thanks, Kay!   





True Friendship      

Are you tired of all those email sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship: 

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
 
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
 
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well  again. I don't want whatever you have.
 
 8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsyness.

 
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why? You may ask, because you are my friend. Send this to 5 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
 
    

 

 

 
Hospital
 
 
A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check.

Oh, good news. Her record says that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me $hit."
 

 



 

Girls Advice


15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS AND GIRL - FRIENDS ETC.


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your man walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9 Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.


12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.


13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.


14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.


15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

 


It is Risky to Tick Off a Woman


 








 
How Dolly Pardon Fixes Flats

 




Men are like.....

 
1. Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the s--t out of you.
2. Men are like .......
Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ........
Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .......Blenders .... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ......
Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....
Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ...
Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........
Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ......
Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .......
Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ....
Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........
Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ...
Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Thanks, Kay!
 


 

Dear ol' Mom.....
 

I OWE MY MOTHER!!

1.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
 


2.
My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet"


3.
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5.
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6.
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.
My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother
taug
ht me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

 19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
 

And last but not least:



 



THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE


 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.

 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

 3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

 4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
 

                                                     

 





















6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

 10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

 

                                                             



 
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
        medicine.

 13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

 14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
 

                                                              


 




















16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

 18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I  grew up.

 19.  Procrastinate Now!

 20.  I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With that?
 

                                      

 

















21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 22.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

 23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

 24. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

 25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

                                                                                                  
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

 27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.

 28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

 29.  The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

 30.  I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

 Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying
for. -- Will Rogers

 
Thanks, Nell !

                                                        

 

   Original author of text unknown. . .

   Midi music: When I'm 64

 

 


 




 


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